Sunshine, daisies

(May 24, 2017)

I’m always memorized by the sun grazing the tops of material things. Seems like it would penetrate my soul or the deepest mountain, but no, it sits on top, on display. My material obsession.

I couldn’t get enough of that glorious sun.
Made me feel like a part of something greater, again.
For all my flaws, errors in judgments, and missteps, I sure am lucky to love this planet and the views it gifts us as much as I do. Dreaming of sunrises again.

That tiny red dot in the trees is our life sustaining sun – that which gives us warmth, life, and everything we could ever hope for as guests of this great orchestral composition.

I feel silly sharing this here… But tonight, I had an anxiety attack, very close to ten o clock, when drew would get home. I knew he would be exhausted from working both jobs and I didn’t want to stress him out. So I scraped together every bit of change I could find to buy a couple cheap adult beverages to “fix” myself. There’s a million reasons I shouldn’t do this, ever.
But, I was alone, I was weak, and I was scared. So I slipped back into my easy coping mechanism. No therapist? There’s a bottle for that. Forgot to see your chiropractor? There’s a bottle for that too! No friends near, or anywhere, or doubting your friends are actually your friends? There’s lots of bottles for that. Feeling isolated, lonely, depressed, inadequate, or simply had enough? You get the idea…

Except… Alcohol doesn’t help any of that. It actually makes it all worse.

What does help: love.

Love looks the other way when you say something mean. Love forgets how cruel you are when you are weak. Love is strong, love is patient, and love is kind.

Tonight, Drew was love. Tonight, in my weakness, in my darkness, I was sure I would hit a wall of judgment or comdemnation when Drew came home and found me with some booze. But he was kind. He was patient. He made his own dinner, his own tea, and he sat quietly next to me as I stayed awake with my late night baby, and watched princess mononoke with us while I drowned my fear and anxiety in the bottom of a bottle.
I am calm & peaceful I am a little ashamed. I am scared. I don’t want to drink or smoke every time I feel not enough or too much. But I am loved, greatly, and I am lucky to have such abundance. Thank you, all that is, and all that you all are, for existing and showing up in my life. Thankful to myself for still being hopeful.

The Sun will rise tomorrow, fam.

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Motherhood

She enjoys me, loves me, like nobody else ever had, and maybe even ever could. It’s humbling and life giving. A little pressure. Just, can I be as good for her as she has been for me? Can I regain my body? Can I live healthily and happily late into life to see her enjoy hers? Can I be enough for her?

I already am. Just as I am. We all are. Adorable. Treasured. Gifts of life to life from life. But seeing ourselves the way life sees life… Have to free myself from these shackles I’ve been wearing.
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Community makes things so much easier. Someday. Maybe. Maybe someday I’ll have that kind of community. Hopefully for Emmeline at least. Will just keep doing my best. Trying not to instill the same fears and self loathing I learned as a youngin’ is tough…. “How do you describe something you are inside of?” But I have to. I have to heal myself. I have to break the cycle. .
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This is like shadow work stuff, y’all. Just me talking to myself in public. It don’t mean I’m broken or that I will bite. I need my friends more than ever.
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I think that’s why people say “you learn who your friends are” when you go through tough shit. Some are there to feed the soil and some are there just to take whatever fruit you may have left. Friends are friends when times are hard. I’ve never walked away from a friend in need. I’ve always shared my last dollar, my last meal, my last anything with a friend. So I’m not scared of being honest about my struggle. The people who mind don’t matter… And the people who matter don’t mind.
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Ah, 🌞

Wo(manly) P(arts)….

BLESSINGS. I am so honored to join the mama crew of the world, our great history, our great future, and our powerful now. Grateful for my mama & papa friends, my homies across the globe, my tumultuous past and my oddly peaceful present (it is just right). My Georgia Family has been praying for me to be surrounded by supportive people who can help me feel more like myself, and it’s manifesting. I am grateful to the Trump, Johnson, Stein, Bernie, Hillary, and meteor supporters who engage in constructive and helpful dialogue with me about our roles as autonomous creators, citizens, and members of this planet and global community. Our goals are love and connection and healthy relationships, primarily with ourselves so that we can responsibly and lovingly engage in this new world together. I don’t know what’s real anymore except what is happening in me – and that’s murky too. Apparently, the guy that was being hateful towards a woman in hijab, the guy who stabbed two others in the PNW recently, was a Bernie/Stein supporter who ALSO wanted to kill Trump supporters – a deeply disturbed individual no doubt – but fake news will have us all confused and stabbing each other if we don’t take this inner healing work seriously and face our shadows head on (or tail on, whichever you prefer 😜😝💁). It’s no laughing matter, but I have an inherited (absorbed?) nervous laugh that I honor with the spirit of #TheMask, by #MayaAngelou. I’m in love with you world – I laughed so hard, I almost died. The Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine are waking up. Intenional, directing energy is bubbling up to be seen in a healthy way. Receptive, suggesting energy is also teeming beneath the surface and breaking through. How do you honor both of the powerful forces in yourself? As the moon leaves Leo, a strong desire for clarity and focus in these energies will call you for attention – will you answer? Or will you allow your feelings to go unexpressed and bubble up through a part of yourself or your relationships that you cannot see? Everything is unfolding as it should. Honor yourself. Honor your struggle & lessons. Reject victimhood & embrace autonomy. 🙏💜💪

Reality Bites

I think there’s a point when we are completely spent and have completely lost touch with feeling connected and effective and intuitive, there’s a magickal space where we begin to reevaluate our foundations and our primary responses and responsibilities. The balance of feeling more out of control but having to also pay extra close attention to how to react and respond with love in each moment for self and other, that’s transformational. Slow, alchemical work. Taking the pieces of the mind that are broken and dark and having a close look at them, bathed in light – give life and create these parts of ourself that feel abandoned, cast aside, and deformed, broken by time and space.
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There’s solace in that courage. There’s refreshing, cooling truth behind being yourself and facing yourself with bravery. Then we can name our fears and struggles and rewrite our own story where we face these monsters and transform them, like the old fairy tales, or defeat them, like the new ones. 🙏🏾✨🖤

When She Woke Up

There were words scattered all over the table, dripping off the edge of the bed. There was a puddle of words on the bathroom floor, some stuck on the mirror and the sink counter. She couldn’t get her eyes off of the words stained on every wall, like a burning smudge fropm a poorly placed candle or incense stick. She stepped in a pile of words in the kitchen, dragged it throughout the hall and left some by the couch to really just do herself in for the day, energetically speaking.

She couldn’t keep up with all of the things she forgot to say, all of the things she did say, everything that was left, lying at the corner of the room, displayed across the mirror, laying the deepest issues of her heart exposed and raw, receptive to every style of input and exposure and critique. She didn’t keep a regular journal of her feelings and discoveries throughout the day. She had always planned on it but something was always getting in the way!

She felt ostracized by herself in the most serious of fashions. She was 4 years in love, 2 years married and with child, and overwhelmed with the invisible pressures of mental health, clarity, and grace that seemed to come to every one else so easily, that seemed to always elude her at her slightest attempt to accomplish, produce, or create absolutely any of the tiniest things at all. Her failure, in her own eyes, penetrated her cause so very deeply and to it’s darkest and most powerful core, that she could not even muster the courage and consistency to daily register all that she was grateful for, all that she had built, the powerful and beautiful glory of the peaceful and fun existence already present.

Truthfully, she failed to radically accept the current landscape of her mind and her reality for the vast and intricate cornucoppia it was, often overlooking the stronger, braver, and patient parts of her mind and focusing instead on a poor memory and easily scatterbrained nature, fancy with the disappointing and angering and unsettling, and general feelings of self loathing and self abuse. She used all of this knowledge against herself, sometimes rallying to her own cause, but often using the deeper knowing and wisdom of her mind in ways not helpful to her or nurturing to her soul.

She kept feeling trapped by her circumstance, though she knew the only way she could pull herself out of that circumstance was to visualize and really experience herself having something better and being worthy of that better something, and feeling those feelings prematurelly, not in a way that desired those results from a place of fear but in a way that knew only I could really give myself that result by believing in myself and feeling worthy of it enough to even attepmt and go out and experience the world, fully.

She knew the holistic picture was what needed her full attention. In each and every moment of life, a holistic need was being met or desired experience being fulfilled. From the outside looking in, one could easily see how her lifestyle was suiting her deeper needs and how it was not. One could easily surmise that she was leaving some parts of her life feeling her best and utilizing her greatest potential, and one could easily see the areas where she was walking away feeling drained and empty, lifeless, and out of juice for the rest of that plan or any others even closely related or just any energy spent, really, sometimes the end is just the end.

Where some people can easily look at a part of their life (say a partner, child, friend, co worker, or otehrwise regularly checked in with area) and see how it is serving them or helping them grow, and others seem to just go in circles without any areas feeling fulfilled or particularly well groomed or nurtured. There is a part of me that just wants to enjoy life to the fullest and say – to hell with all the haters! But then there’s a very real part of me that cares truly and deeply about what is going on in the base levels of these relationships and issues and often feels guilty for feeling happy or fulfilled or enjoying life in the moment.

I don’t think anybody else could be responsible for this feeling but me. While some people would like to say – Oh, so and so is so this or so that, of course that is what is draining your energy. But I am, deep in my heart of hearts, knowing that it is a deeper issue of how I treat myself and allow myself to be treated.

There is a wisdom, a higher wisdom, a higher knowing, that tells me that I deserve to enjoy the moment and listen to my intuition, and follow along in my life doing the best I can in any particular moment.

It is difficult when somebody oscillates (like I do) between saying everything is fine, and we are working everything out, and doing the best we can, and will deal with obstacles and troubles as they come and not be anxious or worry about thing that we have no control over, and alternatively, a feeling of unrest, unwell, and feeling like there is no time to talk, and no obvious solution or immediate course of action well enough to take, and then springing on discussion in the moment with no lead in or ground rules or preparation of heart, mind, and soul.

In a situation such as that, all one can do is their absolute best, and attempt to keep some sort of clearer understanding of the landscape of communication or feeling or understanding in which to navigate the more difficult feelings that come up and have some plan of action or back up plan to approach difficulties in communication and expressing feelings.

I sometimes feel I certainly must have some sort of learning or world understanding disorder or unique condition, because I feel so strongly and deeply connected to my values and desires and understandings of the world in some aspects (writing, my online persona, writing blogs, articles, or other social media posts) but when it cocmes to communicating with another human being, I often feel somewhat left to dry, raw, and a little sunburned. Like I don’t have much love or compassion or understandind to give and I’m just sort of oozing this knowingness of how much I’ve just been through and I know nobody really wants to talk about it or hear my perspectiove but yet here it is just the sort of focal point of everything I do because that is just so squarely where I am right now.

Blech. Trying to desperately ascertain what it is I am capable of doing and where I should be directing my focus. Without overwhelming myself, putting too much pressure on myself, or overexpecting to the point that I shirk all of my expectations and responsibilities of myself, I want to develop some basic respectful understanding of myself, my physical and social daily needs, and some basic expectations and actions I can really depend on myself to complete. Lately the problem seems to be that I can’t seem to finish anything creative, and that I have trouble getting emmy to follow regular cyclical patterns of needs and fulfilling routines regularly. So for example, we would wake up, get dressed, go to the park,, run around and play, maybe have some juice and an orange or something, but play for a good hour or 2. Then come home, have breakfast around 10am, and enjoy some inside activities (writing, learning, reading, throwing catching etc). Then she soul have a snack/lunch, then enjoy a long nap. After which we would go outside again and play for a couple more hours. Then we would come home and sing and play music, and write and draw some more.

She was aleep at 3:15, bless the divines ❤

So I can plan, and scheme. I clean a little. I dance a lot. I drink some water and make some tea. I can be me, at least – I can be me.

I can make a list and long as I am tall. I can dance, sing, laugh, have festivals. based on the reality of myself against myself for myself by myself to myself. And alone, all one, I become. I am undone to be redone again.

I am awake.